A Compilation of Lyrics from the song “Pfft! You Were Gone.”
From the TV Show “Hee-Haw” (1969 -1992)
Archie Campbell & Buck Owens
The Reichner brothers AKA “The Geezenslaw Brothers:” Sammy Allred, & Dewayne Smith
Where, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over, And thought I found true love.
You met another and Pfft! you were gone.
Remember the night we were goin’ to the Church dance
and you came and asked me if your lipstick was smeared
and you got so mad because I told the truth, dear,
I can’t see your lips through your mustache and beard
You said we could save on our fire insurance
with firecrackers placed around our bedroom
and if the noise should burst into the flame, dear,
we’d be awakened by the loud boom
You had funny ways, there’s no doubt about it
You let your two feet hang out of the bed
And when I asked you the reason you did it
“I don’t want cold feet in my bed” you said.
You never could see the new styles they’re wearin’
like women-folk walking around in men’s pants
and you couldn’t see grown men wearin’ rompers
instead of uncles they looked more like aunts
Remember the night that I couldn’t find you
for you disappeared right after the ball
in case you forgot, I’d like to remind you
I found you at Tootsie’s with old Tom T. Hall
When I told you I had thoughts of retirin’
when I reached the age of three score and ten
you said I’d get tired of rockin’ and thinkin’
maybe at 80 I’d start work again
Remember the night we stopped at the drive in
You twisted my arm and gave me the shakes
the waitress I kissed was not really flirtin’
I was just playin’ for much bigger stakes
They asked me to sing with a famous artist
Lucky they left the choice up to me
I did the pickin’ and now I’m a grinnin’
cause I didn’t pick Donnie, I picked Marie
I said to my love, you’re teeth, they need fillin’
She hauled off and said you ain’t got good sense
you ain’t got buck teeth but when you’re a smilin’
your teeth look more like a picket fence
Now I did my best to pleasure and please you
I offered you too a trip to the moon
I wanted a chance to kiss you and squeeze you
But you had your eye on a guy named Pat Boone
You wanted a big and not a small family
we started our kids and had them real fast
but after we worn out ten baby buggies
you said let’s get one next time that will last.
One day she asked me how I liked her figure
she said I just weighed one hundred and three
Then she up and said “one thing I can’t figure,”
“one pound of candy makes five pounds of me”
I felt like a fool, with fear I was shakin’
before I realized the spot I was in
the trouble I had was all my own makin’
when you caught me kissin’ Loretta Lynn
We once had a dog who ate in the kitchen
Blacksmith was his name, no one could eat more
‘guess you wondered why we called the dog Blacksmith
he spent life makin’ a bolt for the door
The good neighbor said your love was a gamble
but your kiss drove me right out of my head
but then I found out that you liked to ramble
oh what a pity, now our love is dead
Down here on the farm the weather gets messy
Laying around with nothin’ to do
When you went away, you took my cow Bessie
I miss her darling, more than I miss you
You took off your leg, your wig and your eye glass
And you shoud’ve seen the look on my face
I wanted to kiss, I wanted to hug you
But you were scattered all over the place
You took out your false teeth, your wig and your glasses.
You were just scattered all over the place.
I wanted to kiss you and hug you so tightly.
I guess that I would have if I’d found your face.
I know that you loved me, here’s my way of knowing,
The proofs hanging out right there on the line.
When I see the snow and feel the wind blowing,
Your nighties hugging them long johns of mine.
The noises you made at our supper table
Your habits, my dear, were surely absurd
But how many times do I have to tell you
Soup is a dish to be seen and not heard
Remember you phoned me a-sobbin’ and cryin’
The dog bit your maw, and drug her around
You said she looked pale and thought she was dying
I said “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a new hound.”
I had six kids and you had eleven
And we had a boy, and they grew like flowers
I wish you’d come back, without you ain’t heaven
‘Cause your kids and my kids are beatin’ up ours
I went to your house at three in the morning.
You had all them curlers and junk in your hair.
You would not have scared me and I’d not have run so,
If you had not looked like you’d wrestled a bear.
I told you, my darlin’, you looked like a gopher.
Made you so mad, you haven’t spoke since.
But tell me my darling if you ain’t got no buck teeth.
How do you eat apples through a picket fence?
When I picked you up for our date last weekend.
You looked so pretty in your satin and lace.
But when I bent over and started to kiss you,
You popped a pimple all over my face!
The other night after the hoe-down,
We drove up to our parking place,
I wrapped my arms around you wanting to hold you,
You popped a zit, hit me square in the face.
The other night after the square dance,
I was felling particularly bold,
With my arm ’round you I pulled you closer,
You raised your armpits and I blacked out cold.
Now we got along, my life was real sunny,
But only one thing would ruin our fun.
I know you love me but you worship money,
And you got mad when I offered you none.
Now time, it told me, that your love was icy
Said you spent your time attending the sheep
And your words were never so tender and spicy
Instead of lovin’ you went right to sleep
Married or not was the question
I didn’t want to do somethin’ rash
I pondered and pondered and thinkin’ it over
And made up my mind when I saw Johnny’s Cash!
You like to save on things for the household
It’s something that I could not understand
But now I know why you never bought dishes
You only mean to eat out of your hand
One day she served me a couple of fried eggs
That was one of her contemptible tricks
I told her off, I said when you fry eggs
Don’t dirty my plate with no less than six
Remember my darling we went to the movies,
You slid right over and sat on my lap,
You squished me out flat as a pancake,
I had to suffer while you took a nap.
I told you my darling I’d buy you a soda,
Funniest thing that I ever saw;
You stuck your nose right down in the bottle
You couldn’t even wait till I got you a straw
I told you my darling I’d take you a fishin’,
‘was the nastiest thing that I ever saw;
You saw them worms crawlin’ around in th’ bucket,
You took out your salt and devoured them all
Your lips are as red as boysenberries
Your ears look like a big cabbage leaf
Your eyes bug out like an old pop-eyed mullet
Your hair’s like haywire and hangs to your feet
I thought that my love was all that you wanted
I thought that my money meant nothin’ to you
I thought that the hogs would stay in the hogpen
That’s what I thought dear, but you took them too
Now, there was a girl, she wanted to marry,
Her dear mother said that she was too young.
Her dad said “But, dearie, the dowry is cheery.”
So, nobody worried or messed with her fun.
Remember when you went out huntin’ for ‘possum
you said you’d get one and wouldn’t be long
That’s ten years ago, an’ I’m sittin’ here waitin’
Beginning to wonder if something went wrong
We let you use our new cow milker
You didn’t know the hose from the spout
You left it on our old cow Bessie
By the time we got back she was turned inside out
You bought yourself an electric milker.
You didn’t know the hose from the spout.
You put it on Bessie our cow and you left her.
After four hours she turned inside out.
I went to the barn to milk our cow Elsie
She gave to me a good bucket full
It tasted funny all over the corn flakes
It wasn’t Elsie; it was the bull
I miss you so much, the ‘taters need diggin’
The corn in the field, it needs pickin’ now
How well I remember the first time I met you
You looked so purty a-pullin’ that plow.
I thought that my love was all you wanted
I thought that my money meant nothing to you
I thought that the hogs would stay in the hog-pen
That’s what I thought, dear, but you took them all.
I went to the barn to kill a sick chicken.
‘Twas our anniversary we celebrate.
Why should some poor fat sick little chicken
Pay for the little mistake that we made?
Remember the clothesline from the house to the shed, dear
It sags and your clothes drag the ground all the time
You said would you please move the shed over, darlin’
So it will tighten up my old clothesline.
I must admit, I hanker for Mabel
She was the best horse I ever had
Now I Have to sleep alone in the stable.
That old bag said I oughta be glad.
My Daddy swore he would never quit drinking,
Mother got down on her knees and she begged,
One night my Daddy came home cold sober,
The dog didn’t know him and he chewed off his leg.
Her hair was like straw, her eyes was like marbles,
her teeth were like rocks: all chisled away.
Her face was like felt: all green and fuzzy.
Why, oh why didn’t she stay.
When you were young, you weren’t very pretty
You’d make a freight train take a dirt road…
Now that you’re older you ain’t much better,
cause you’d scare the warts right off of a toad!
I heard tell that you were religious,
A real holy roller from your head to your toes,
But I found out you were just foolin,
When you said grace before pickin your nose!
You always acted like you were so young, dear
A livin’ the life of excitement and spice
You told the neighbors it’s your 25th birthday
25th, nothin’, you been 25 twice.
I remember in school how you kept us all laughin
no one was quite sure of what you would say
the teacher once told you to sit down in front
you said you couldn’t you don’t bend that way…
Pardon me dear if my words seem bitter
There’s no excuse for my broken dreams
I did not know I married a quitter
My life is falling apart at the seams!
Last night at the dance you sure did look purty
you shure did look purty while doin a jig
but come Monday morning while slopin the Hogs dear
I could’nt tell you from one of the pigs.
We went to the barn to milk a new heifer
You came alomg, not want’n to nag
You went inside to fetch me a milk stool
You left me there a hold’n the bag
I had a wife Blanche she sure was a drinker
A pint an hour is what she would take
and when it came time for our wedding reception
her breath lit the candles on our wedding cake
At Jingle Bell time you made out the gift list
For Judy & Jill & Trudy & Tex
When Christmas rolled ’round, you sent out the gift list
You signed the cards, dear, but I signed the checks.
I remember darlin the first time I met you
You looked at me with that big posseum grin
I asked you sweetheart please may I kiss you
You opened your mouth; that’s when I fell in.
You yelled at me darling your voice was like gravel
And you scared the mocking birds right out of the trees
I’m singing this song and I hope you will hear it
Darling oh darling don’t come back to me
No one ever said that you was a beauty
Your figure was like a flat river boat
I still recall well the first time I kissed you
The hairs on your chin dear they tickled my throat
I married you because of your money.
you married me because of my wealth.
I drank and you decided to leave me,
decided to leave me because of my health.
You drank and caroused like there was no tomorrow,
Your morals was loose as the tie ’round my neck;
Last Saturday night when we went to the square dance
The caller cried “Hoedown” and you hit the deck!
You looked so pretty the day we got married,
A holding the hand of our little boy son,
Your mama was frowning but your daddy was laughing,
As he stood there a holding that big old shotgun.
I told you shouldn’t yell at the chickens,
your face would get red and then you would howl.
I told you that you shouldn’t yell at the chickens,
’cause they understood you, ’cause your language was foul.
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone…