A Compilation of Lyrics from “Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me!”

From the TV Show “Hee-Haw” (1969 -1992)
Lyrics by Bernie Brillstein, Frank Peppiatt and John Aylesworth.
Recorded by Buck Owens and Roy Clark.

Chorus:
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

We figured she was rich, loaded to the hilt
And we figured she had class like the Vanderbilts
‘Cause we had heard for years how she was so well reared
How was we to know they meant the way she was built

My Wife was so unhappy she started to pack
But I figured that I could get us back on the right track
So I give her a weekly allowance, but you fellas know how that is
Tho’ she spent it before I had a chance to borrow it back

I knew a gal who lived high up on a hill
Every Friday night she’d give my heart a thrill
One night I came a-callin’, I ran down the hill a-bawlin’
Cause she’d run off with some old fart named Bill

I stand six foot eight when I’m completely unfurled
And to find a mate I’ve looked all over this world
Then a store downtown advertised everything for us tall guys
And they had everything except tall girls

This morning I got to speak to my very best friend Fred;
He called me on the telephone, and this is what he said:
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but we think your dog is DEAD!”
He got into a tiger fight, last night at lonesome Red’s!”

“You see, your dog Tycho, likes dog treats from the bar,
An’ when he gets to drinkin’, he sometimes goes too far!;
Well, last night there was somethin’ grand, a woman beyond compare!
And Tycho got to singin’ loud; and howling in the air!”

“That girl had a boyfriend who was the scariest one I seen!:
Some great strip-ed tiger man, with teeth, and looks so mean!
I think his name was Tony, and he was up from Battle Creek,
Tycho shoulda ate his Wheaties ’cause that Tiger’s strength was Grrrreat!

“Last thing I saw was Tony Tiger, laying down the law,
Giving Tycho such a what-for, Like nothing I ever saw!
Well I guess Tycho’s still alive, but you’d better come on down,
The Sheriff finally caught ’em and he put him in the pound!”