I am sober before my twenty-first birthday
and the loneliness of it almost made me quit,
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
sitting on the living room floor at a party,
fingers running through a house cat\u2019s fur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I shake hands with drunk strangers and pretend
the white wine on their breath doesn\u2019t
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
give me a second-hand high like it\u2019s
my sixteenth birthday again,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
shotgunning a spliff over beer in a pick-up
truck passenger seat with a boy
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve loved for five minutes. (I\u2019ll love him for
five more after the buzz dulls to a whimper.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And when the man flirting with me over
his mixer asks me about myself, I apologize
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
when I cannot find the words he\u2019s looking for. I
can\u2019t concentrate on solid ground anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pining after seasickness like lost love, I\u2019m
leaning over railings and searching through
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
bushes in lawns belonging to friends of friends,
perpetually trapped in a cycle of second removals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When my friends have all found that love
in shrubs and flower pots and lampshades
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and hand bags, they\u2019ll fall asleep with it
on the living room floor like a house cat<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and I\u2019ll comb my hands through their hair,
trying to pull the dying embers from their
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
heads, through their roots, and drink my
lost youth through the tips of my fingers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Casper Orr <\/em><\/strong>(he\/him) is a Trans* and Disabled writer and artist with a passion for liminality and the profane. A two-time BOTN nominated writer, he has work published in <\/em>The Ex-Puritan, Electric Literature, Arc Poetry, Grain, OROBOROS, Thimble, The BK’, and more. Currently serving as a reader for <\/em>Epiphany, Casper\u2019s also the former nonfiction senior editor for <\/em>Fruitslice. He is currently in the process of compiling his debut poetry collection. He can be found on instagram @casperorr.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I am sober before my twenty-first birthdayand the loneliness of it almost made me quit, sitting on the living room floor at a party,fingers running through a house cat\u2019s fur. I shake hands with drunk strangers and pretendthe white wine on their breath doesn\u2019t give me a second-hand high like it\u2019smy sixteenth birthday again, shotgunning … <\/p>\n