Hannah envies the girls who got to go on birth control early, in ninth grade even, because of their skin problems. Now they all have great skin and no questions asked when they remind their mothers to pick up their prescriptions. Meanwhile, two days ago, Alfie Turner asked Hannah out\u2014and if she can\u2019t figure out how to have two forms of protection, then she won\u2019t clear her personal bar for having sex. Clearing it would tell her she\u2019s responsible and capable. It would indicate that she could take on greater things, solve bigger problems\u2014which should be everyone\u2019s personal bar for taking up resources. But no, Hannah and her 17-year-old mediocre skin\u2014pimple here and there, but nothing medication-worthy\u2014are having trouble figuring out how to supplement the condom on short notice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because waiting too long would ruin it. If she can\u2019t figure out things fast, what\u2019s the point? The world moves too slowly, and if the human race is going to survive, everyone needs to speed the hell up. A new UN Climate Report came out last week, and after Hannah spent all weekend writing an op-ed about it for the student newspaper, she\u2019s pretty sure her older sister is the only one who read it. Even though the editor-in-chief claims they got 1200 unique visits on the Clayton High School Gazette website, and even though her mom emailed the link out to the whole family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If Hannah asked her mother for contraception advice, she\u2019d get a response that\u2019s liberal and feminist enough: \u201cIt\u2019s probably time for you to start seeing a gynecologist anyway.\u201d But that\u2019s it. Hannah wouldn\u2019t get more-than-enough from her mother, which is what\u2019s needed from mothers and non-mothers and everyone if Hannah wants a shot at spending time outside in her middle age without burning to a crisp. The urgency would be entirely on Hannah\u2019s end, as it always is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
#<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Last weekend, her dog slipped out of her older sister\u2019s room, wedging Shelly\u2019s bedroom door almost open-wide. The hum of Shelly\u2019s voice suddenly became a set of clear words, while the silence on the other end got upgraded into an intermittent hum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, well that really might be too generous,\u201d Shelly said. Hum.<\/em> \u201cYeah, well we\u2019re talking about Hannah here.\u201d Hum.<\/em> \u201cWow, are you sure?\u201d Hum.<\/em> \u201cYes, I\u2019m telling you, Hannah really is that crazy.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah slumped down in the hallway, sat on the floor while her sister laughed. She noticed a schmear of vanilla frosting on the floor from her mother\u2019s 50th<\/sup> birthday cake, the reason Shelly was home from college for the weekend. She psst<\/em>ed at the dog, the one she named Toby Star in elementary school, and watched him lick it up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n #<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah\u2019s first period class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays is AP Environmental Science and she sits two rows in front of Alfie. Now it\u2019s Friday, and she wonders what she can do, if anything, to follow up on her mid-week performance\u2014the one that inspired Alfie to find her in the hallway right afterwards, scratch his almost-greasy hair, and ask if she\u2019d like to hang out. Her performance, which was also a very real and earnest act, began with smoothing her hands on the long plastic desk she shared with everyone in her row. She spread out her fingers and shuffled her hands back and forth on her finger pads, three times in and three times out. Then she raised her hand when Mr. Holloway took a pause. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI was just noticing something I wanted to bring up,\u201d she said, once her fingers found the perfect spot to rest. \u201cI noticed that there\u2019s no dedicated unit on nuclear energy.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell there\u2019s an appendix chapter in the textbook on alternative energy sources, so it is included in the\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know, I\u2019m just asking why we\u2019re not devoting at least a class period to it this year.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe AP exam doesn\u2019t emphasize nuclear energy, and I want to make sure you\u2019re all as prepared for the exam as possible.\u201d Mr. Holloway wears skinny ties and brings bottled Frescas to each class period. She caught him eyeing his cold Fresca on his desk by the window. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay. But there are fourth generation nuclear reactors now, and nuclear energy still only makes up about 20 percent of our grid in the United States\u2014I mean, come on. Don\u2019t you think we\u2019re effectively illiterate if we don\u2019t understand clean energy?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n It was her phrase fourth generation nuclear reactors<\/em> that probably did it. She very purposefully did not look behind her to witness it, but Alfie\u2019s head probably rose up at that very phrase. In all likelihood, he stopped staring at his own fingerprints on the desk and instead noticed a slightly hypnotic ponytail attached to a very smart, well-spoken girl. How wonderful that boys were becoming more feminist, just in time for them to all drown from increasingly catastrophic weather events. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He had her number already, so they didn\u2019t have to exchange anything after he approached her in the hallway, and they text a little over the weekend. Hannah already told him she wasn\u2019t free this weekend because her older sister Shelly would be home again. Hannah has tried not to think about her sister\u2019s voice on the phone, or how voices really do have a specific, casual quality when people think they\u2019re in private. She\u2019d rather appreciate that her sister is home, since she knows that\u2019s the right thing to do, while there\u2019s still time. Everyone is disappearing a little bit, every day. Global warming means that things will get a lot more crowded before they get more sparse\u2014climate refugees flooding the more habitable places, wall-to-wall protests for aid, riots when resources get scarce. Still, the main thing Hannah pictures is emptiness. The world like a Salvador Dali painting, their beloved objects melting over dry, abandoned earth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n #<\/p>\n\n\n\n While Hannah lounges on the blue corduroy couch in her living room, she and Alfie decide via text to go see the new Avengers movie the following weekend. Shelly volunteers that she has already seen it. Hannah didn\u2019t realize her sister had been reading her texts over her shoulder, but takes it as an opportunity to ask Shelly\u2019s opinion. She spins and cranes her neck backwards towards her sister, who is tall even when she doesn\u2019t tower over people on couches. \u201cIs it the kind of movie that puts you in the mood for sex?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly frowns. \u201cAre you afraid he\u2019s going to put pressure on you to do it right after the movie or something?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo. I mean I don\u2019t anticipate that or anything. But I\u2019m trying to figure out if we should just go ahead and get it over with next weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI thought you hadn\u2019t gone out with this guy before.\u201d Shelly flops down on the couch next to Hannah, rests her arm behind Hannah\u2019s neck like they\u2019re the ones on a date. \u201cAlfie, right? I\u2019m right, right\u2014this is your first time going out with him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell it\u2019s not like he\u2019s a stranger. We\u2019ve gone to school together for five years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay. Sorry, I\u2019m still missing something\u2014why do you feel like you have to have sex on the first date?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t feel like I have to. I feel like I might want to, that\u2019s all.\u201d Hannah crosses her legs up underneath her on the couch. She almost feels like explaining to Shelly that she meant what she said about getting it over with, that maybe if she could have sex she\u2019d become a more competent person. That all she did all day was talk about climate change but she couldn\u2019t get anything done. All she could get done was homework, all she could muster was a simple ploy to get a date, but that wasn\u2019t getting anything done. \u201cYou never told me about your first time,\u201d Hannah says, tracing the grain of the couch fabric with her index finger pad. Maybe it will be something embarrassing, maybe her sister will say that she herself was once crazy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, well,\u201d Shelly says. \u201cThere honestly isn\u2019t a whole lot to say. I\u2019m sure yours will be fine too. And\u2014well to be honest, I can\u2019t tell if you\u2019re being too casual or too\u2014too plan-<\/em>ful, or something, but if you think it\u2019s going to mean a lot and plan out a lot of scenarios in advance, I think you\u2019re going to be disappointed. I\u2019ll just say that.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Hannah says. \u201cOkay, but it\u2019s normal to plan things out in advance, right? Doesn\u2019t not <\/em>planning for sex, in fact, give it more weight? There\u2019s nothing in my life that just happens, so why would sex? I\u2019m just here trying to normalize sex, trying to pencil it in.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly laughs. That half-mast position of her eyes when she\u2019s confused\u2014erased. \u201cI have a friend at school who uses that word a lot. Normalize<\/em>. You know I do miss you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah closes her eyes and tries to reabsorb the sting of proto-teardrops. How happy she is to hear that right now\u2014but everything always happens so fast. Shelly might get up again any second, might drift back into another room, another life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAm I right though?\u201d Hannah asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHave you told mom?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo. I\u2019ll probably tell her after though.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou would use a condom, right? That\u2019s really important.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGod, I know that\u2019s important. I\u2019m very aware, the protection thing is definitely an issue.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAn issue?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, I\u2019m not on birth control.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh. Well that\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re<\/em> on the pill, right?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, I was. But I stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo you have extra packs?\u201d Hannah is brave enough now to open her eyes all the way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat? I\u2019m not going to\u2014Hannah, I can\u2019t just give you pills. You have to see a doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere isn\u2019t time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cJust make an appointment. As long as you\u2019re on your way to getting the pill, it\u2019s okay to have sex with just a condom a couple of times. Again, if that\u2019s what you want.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What she wants to know is if Shelly sees the same slippery slope that Hannah does\u2014you make a compromise like this in your personal life and that turns into compromises in your political life, your vision for the world. Hannah clears her throat. \u201cIs Environmental Studies a major at Wash U?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, I think it is. They made it one a few years ago, I think. You\u2019d love it, they have a pretty big catalogue.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut are any of those Environmental Studies classes required, like across the board, for every student?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo, they\u2019re not part of the core.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah shakes her head. Then she digs her nails into the couch, turning her hands into claws, wondering when she\u2019ll ever ask a question out loud she doesn\u2019t know the answer to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n #<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ultimately, Avengers<\/em> doesn\u2019t make them want to drop their pants in the theater, or in the car on the way back, or at Alfie\u2019s house when Hannah drops him off. Instead, Hannah and Alfie have sex on their third date, while her parents are visiting her grandparents in Duluth and Shelly is back at school. Alfie drives himself over around eight and brings a tub of Breyer\u2019s ice cream in an unmarked paper bag. He notes that the paper napkins and spoons in the bag are all biodegradable, and she chooses not to tell him that consumer responsibility is actually just victim-blaming. That\u2019s the first strange moment, her biting her tongue, and the second strange moment arrives when they walk down the hall towards her bedroom. Toby Star follows them down the hallway, as he would with any guest in the house, his unclipped toenails clacking on the worn-out hardwood floor. Hannah would normally never close her door if she was home alone. Alfie waits politely inside her room, and Toby Star waits politely at the threshold, waiting for her decision. Hannah ends up pulling her door closed as softly as possible, as if it doesn\u2019t count if the rejection happens silently. She avoids any eye contact with the dog she picked out ten years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But after that, nothing is strange, per se. It\u2019s all as she expected really, little rushes of discovery while thinking is this happening\u2014yes it is\u2014this is happening. <\/em>When they are lying in bed, trying to figure everything out, she remembers that they left the ice cream out of the freezer. She tries to forget that it might be getting very melty. Shelly would understand, they both hate it when their dad microwaves ice cream cartons because it\u2019s never as creamy when you have to re-freeze it all from its melted state. She\u2019d rather bend a spoon scooping hard ice cream from the carton than find those weird air pockets in her next serving. She and Shelly have had this exact same conversation before, their laughter like carbonation when they realized how specifically they\u2019re the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah blinks to re-set her mind. She finds a good place to put her hands, up on Alfie\u2019s shoulders, which are pale from the winter but also stronger than she expected. The physical thing about the sex is that she doesn\u2019t actually see <\/em>very much of Alfie; there\u2019s really not much to look at with him pressing down on her\u2014his face, at some points, but it\u2019s too close to be in focus. When she stops thinking about the ice cream though, she thinks about how he is inside her, connected to her, actually united with her body, and that is a very good feeling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Afterwards they each use the bathroom and then meet back in her living room. Hannah fires up an old season of The Office <\/em>on Netflix, and Toby Star joins them on the corduroy couch. It\u2019s completely dark outside now, and she feels bad that Alfie will have to drive home. She\u2019s already feeling sleepy and warm and grateful that she won\u2019t have to move very far to get back into her bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She scoots a little closer. \u201cThanks Alfie. It was really nice. I\u2019m glad we did it.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay, so\u2026you\u2019re good? We\u2019re good?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She\u2019s tired but she decides to try honesty. She likes Alfie after all, likes him even more after all of this, so she figures why not. \u201cWell. Have you heard about this idea, of la petite mort<\/em>? The little death?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He gives her a look that\u2019s more embarrassed than concerned, which she takes as a good sign. \u201cOkay, it came up in English class last semester,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s the idea that sex is the little death. Or can be…if the release comes. I think maybe in that it transcends normal life, and you\u2019re reborn, or something. So I was curious about whether it would feel that way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Alfie doesn\u2019t respond at first. He looks around her living room, at the blaring TV and polished wood furniture and skylights that show a dark sky, no stars. She watches his eyes trace the pattern on the worn-out rug. \u201cThat\u2019s interesting,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy?\u201d She wonders if he\u2019s going to ask if it happened to her, if she experienced it\u2014but maybe she was just vague enough that he doesn\u2019t understand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI guess I don\u2019t know why,\u201d he says. \u201cBut I like that I always learn things from you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n #<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Wash U campus is covered in paper: utility poles covered in flyers, store windows filled with announcements, Post-It notes falling from hallway bulletin boards. Hannah thinks no wonder everyone\u2019s parents are complacent. The world was filled with paper then and it\u2019s filled with paper now. She sees a flyer for a band Alfie told her about. They\u2019re performing in two weeks. Maybe she could come back with him, and they could split an Uber here and back. Campus isn\u2019t that far from her house, maybe 30 minutes. Shelly could come home more often if she wanted, but Hannah also understands. Or at least, she\u2019s trying to, with more fervor than ever since the night three weeks ago with the melted ice cream, the Toby Star shutout, and the great penetration. That\u2019s what she\u2019s started calling it to herself in the last three weeks, virginity being way too silly of a word, a word that oil apologists and mainstream procrastinators would use.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah\u2019s here on campus for the weekend to visit her sister. She\u2019s come to campus a good number of times before. There were all those family bike rides as a kid, and more recently they\u2019ve come for family brunches on De Mun Avenue. But it feels different staying overnight. Hannah asked before, nearly every weekend all fall, but stopped after the eighth no. This time Shelly brought it up in a group text with their parents, who immediately agreed. Now they think it will be good for Hannah to take a break and, quote, get a new perspective. When they returned from Duluth last month, Hannah asked whether the snow was less deep than last year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t know honey, we weren\u2019t there as climatologists. But you saw that picture of Grandma on the lake, right? She was so happy to be out there, she almost never makes it outside you know. There\u2019s a ton of snow, you can see, here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI saw that picture on Instagram already. I commented and asked you to measure the snow for me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHannah, I think the climate movement is going to go a lot better if we let the scientists lead the charge.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t you think as anthropologists who study people, you should be authorities on the biggest crisis affecting human civilization?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her mother crossed her legs on the kitchen barstool where she was sitting and opened up the morning paper. \u201cI think we all have to play to our strengths if we\u2019re going to progress as a society, and measuring snow is not my strength.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s not the point. The snow measurement wouldn\u2019t even mean anything, it\u2019s just an example. Everything relates to the climate crisis, we should be talking about it all the time and it\u2019s just weird that we\u2019re not.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah\u2019s mother stared at her. \u201cI\u2019m sure the university has a climate change protest you can join or volunteer at. Ask Shelly what\u2019s going on at Wash U.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cClimate crisis, not climate change.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s how I\u2019d like for you to refer to it from now on, actually.\u201d Hannah\u2019s mother rolled her eyes at that and Hannah stomped out of the room. She knows it was that last word, actually, <\/em>that ultimately spoiled the conversation, and Hannah knows if she had used the word actually <\/em>in AP Environmental Science that day, Alfie wouldn\u2019t have asked her out. And then he wouldn\u2019t have been glad to be with her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But all the things she knows are negative things, things not to do or say or delay over. Hannah doesn\u2019t want to go to Wash U. Her parents weren\u2019t even that happy when Shelly chose to stay close to home. She overheard them worrying in the kitchen that she wouldn\u2019t have the right experience. <\/em>She doesn\u2019t know what anybody means by that word. It seems to be more than just having the right things happen to you. It\u2019s that rush you have when you know you\u2019re making a memory, maybe. When you know the moment you\u2019re in will reappear in some mental montage you return to over and over again as an example of the thing you are chasing. Nobody talks about how the chasing is torture, how you\u2019ll ask a million questions you don\u2019t care about\u2014what was your first time like?<\/em>\u2014just to chase that feeling of being two sisters on a couch. Anything to get away from the bigger picture, where you\u2019re both ticking time bombs, late to the party. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly also used the word \u201cexperience\u201d to describe what they\u2019re about to do, which is attend a college party together. They\u2019re on their way right now. It\u2019s in senior housing, across campus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow\u2019s Alfie?\u201d Shelly asks, as they turn a corner into another quad. Each quad related to the next by a squeezing of space. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI like him, actually.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat do you like about him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHe\u2019s really nice. I know that\u2019s boring.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly doesn\u2019t really say anything, just nods her head and mutters an under-her-breath huh. <\/em>They walk in silence for ten seconds before Hannah asks what. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/em>\u201cNothing.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cReally, what?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI just didn\u2019t think being nice was the kind of thing you cared about most. I thought you were going to say something about him being a socialist or something.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy do you think I\u2019m a socialist?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re not?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, okay.\u201d Hannah is grateful Shelly doesn\u2019t press her for details. She\u2019s not a socialist because that seems to be too exclusionary, and Hannah just assumes they\u2019re going to need lots of money and greedy, power-hungry people to fix the climate crisis. It just makes sense to her that when they get the capitalists on board, things will start to get better. But she can\u2019t articulate it any better than that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah\u2019s chunky heels make a rhythm on the sidewalk if she listens hard enough. The tap-tap soothes her and she starts peeling off the white sliver at the top of each of her fingernails. \u201cYou don\u2019t think I\u2019m nice?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly stops walking for a second, looks down at Hannah\u2019s face. Shelly\u2019s wearing clean white sneakers like a lot of girls on campus, but she\u2019s still taller than Hannah. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI think you\u2019re really nice, actually.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shelly\u2019s words help with Hannah\u2019s posture as they enter the party, which is down in a crowded basement. In one corner of the room, two tall boys are playing ping pong without a table. They\u2019re trying to keep the ball in the air without bouncing, and she counts five back-and-forths. It doesn\u2019t look like a drinking game, there\u2019s no obvious cue for when they would have to driiiink!<\/em>, but maybe she just can\u2019t tell. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHannah, this is my friend Elise. Elise, this is Hannah!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHi Elise,\u201d Hannah says. Elise looks excited to meet her, as if Shelly really has said nice things about her. Sometime between the front door of the common room and this pillar where they\u2019ve posted up, Hannah acquired some warm punch. Elise and Shelly gossip about their friend who isn\u2019t there, the one who has been so antisocial lately. The punch tastes like a childhood birthday party in a cup. It\u2019s sweet and sticky. It\u2019s also got that edge, the one you feel when you\u2019re not sure you\u2019re having fun anymore, but you also don\u2019t know when your parents are picking you up. She finishes it quickly and casually finds the back of the room where more punch is in a large plastic tub\u2014it\u2019s intuitive that the way to make the edge go away is to lean into it, have more of the punch. Cover up the sad, electric colored residue in her cup with more liquid. The way out is through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She begins drinking the second cup on her way back to her sister and Elise when a boy in her path slips on a ping pong ball and lands on his back. Hannah stands there blinking, then looks around for her sister. The room is dark, and the bass sound produced by the student DJ is making it even harder to see, but maybe that\u2019s not possible? <\/p>\n\n\n\n The boy tries to sit up but can\u2019t. He looks like someone failing to do an ab exercise, or maybe just an injured person on a dorm basement floor. Hannah kneels, still scanning for Shelly. \u201cAre you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He\u2019s blinking too, like a blinking baby animal that imitates the first thing it sees: a girl who only moves her eyelids. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But then he coughs and wipes his mouth and gives a weak laugh like a handsome soldier in a war hospital, only his breath smells like Miller Lite and he\u2019s wearing a lacrosse pinnie. \u201cWell it\u2019s not a great look, but luckily I think you\u2019re the only one that noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It almost sounds like a line that could start something, the recognition she\u2019s been waiting for. She\u2019s the girl who notices, and maybe noticing is her superpower. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYour face is bleeding.\u201d It\u2019s the next thing she notices, and it surprises them both, both of them about to write this off as just another random moment in a crowded room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHannah!\u201d It\u2019s Shelly\u2019s voice from the dark. \u201cHannah, I was looking for you\u2014Harry? Harry, are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Harry\u2019s eyes narrow, maybe from pain but also to make sense of the scene in front of him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI was actually going to introduce you both,\u201d Shelly says. \u201cBut maybe not now because you\u2019re bleeding?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He touches a hand to his head, and it comes back sticky, like blood, like punch. Hannah can feel how sticky it is without touching it, but that doesn\u2019t make sense either. \u201cIs this your climate activist sister?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, the one and only. Hannah, this is my friend Harry. His mom is Senator\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHey, give me a chance for the girl to like me <\/em>for me<\/em>,\u201d the boy croaks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGet over yourself\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m bleeding!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh my god, Senator Crowley,\u201d Hannah interjects. \u201cI mean\u2014I assume. Yeah\u2014wow you guys even look alike.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo do you and your sister,\u201d Harry says, sitting all the way up now. \u201cI read your op-ed about the UN climate report\u2014\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHarry, I think maybe we should take you to the health center.\u201d Shelly\u2019s leaning over Harry\u2019s cut now, wincing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI think you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah and Shelly flank him, help bring Harry to his feet. Once they make it out of the party room and up the stairs and back outside into the cool, clean air, Harry starts insisting he can make it on his own, that Hannah shouldn\u2019t miss out on her first college party because of him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBesides,\u201d he says, looking right at Hannah, \u201cwe were meant to talk about important things, you and I\u2014like what you want me to ask my mom about climate change. We can\u2019t do that while I\u2019m buzzed and bleeding. Better to hang out another time I think.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHarry offered that he could put you and his mom in touch,\u201d Shelly explains. \u201cIt\u2019s really nice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnything for a Roberts girl,\u201d Harry says, waving his hand. Hannah recognizes him as a type of person she hasn\u2019t met before, the fancy boy who\u2019s slightly older, from a slightly bigger world. She hasn\u2019t encountered her sister like this before either, the total delight in Shelly\u2019s eyes so obvious. Hannah feels warm in Harry\u2019s glow, but it\u2019s Alfie who comes to the surface. Alfie who wiped ice cream off his chin with his shirt and then looked embarrassed. Who noticed her in class for exactly what she wanted to be noticed for, who texted her last week about a protest in Springfield they could attend. Who probably isn\u2019t meant to last forever\u2014but what a relief that some things aren\u2019t meant to last. What a relief that some things are short by design, not because of human hubris. That not everything is like everything else. People move too slowly, except when they don\u2019t. Like when Shelly shrugs off her languid delight, waves at this handsome boy, and takes Hannah\u2019s hand, swinging it back and forth, announcing to the world that the night is theirs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ll get your number from Shelly,\u201d Hannah says quickly to Harry as they set off, nodding her head in gratitude. \u201cI\u2019d love to talk to the Senator.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hannah\u2019s words disappear as Shelly pulls her forward, and she makes a mental note to return to them, to make sure exhilarating moments like this don\u2019t swallow her convictions whole. But the mental note is enough. Everything is horrible except when it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Katy is a writer and above-average parallel parker from Washington, DC. She is currently pursuing an MFA in fiction at the Writing Seminars at Johns Hopkins University. Her website is katygathright.co<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hannah envies the girls who got to go on birth control early, in ninth grade even, because of their skin problems. Now they all have great skin and no questions asked when they remind their mothers to pick up their prescriptions. Meanwhile, two days ago, Alfie Turner asked Hannah out\u2014and if she can\u2019t figure out … <\/p>\n