by Dylan Connors | English Literature | Class of 2025
Academic Term of Essay Subject: Fall Semester 2019

Cancer. A death sentence. Well not for all but certainly for Ethan Winters. Stage 3 and a certain chance of quickly escalating to Stage 4. Chemo and other treatments were options but unless God felt like giving out a miracle, it was certainly the end. The day he received the diagnosis there were no feelings but shock. He went home and sat staring at the wall for hours lost in thought. And then he booked a plane ticket and started packing.

He sat at his gate, waiting to board the plane while recalling the conversation with his sister only hours before.

“I think you are being incredibly irrational! You need to sit and think about this,” She was frantically pacing up and down, making Ethan dizzy.

“Beth, there’s nothing to think about. My time is up and I need to do this now,” he said.

“Do you realize how incredibly insane this is! No stop!” She snatched the passport out of his hand as he reached to grab it. “Look, please just take a minute to think about this.”

“There’s nothing to think about. I have to go.”

“But why? What’s the rush? You’re in shock right now. I know you’re scared but this isn’t like you.”

“That’s exactly why I have to do this. All I’ve ever done is be careful. It’s quite sad that it’s taken me this long to do something like this, but I won’t ever get another chance now. I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair to throw all this on you right now but please, I have to go”

She just stared at him for a moment, tears welled up in her eyes. Then she sighed and nodded, “Alright,”

“Thank you, Beth, it really means-”

“But I’m coming with you.”

“What? Beth no you can’t”

“There’s no arguing. If you want to go then I’m coming too.”

Ethan closed his eyes, resting his head against the window. He felt bad, he really did. Now his sister has been dragged into this. But even if he changed his mind it was too late now. The flight was booked, his suitcase was packed and for once in his life, he was going to take a risk.

They had done a messy job planning the trip. A cheap plane ride and cheap tickets to all the main attractions. Ethan got a headache just thinking about it. Maybe this was a mistake.

Luckily they didn’t have to worry about getting a hotel. Ethan had called their Aunt Nel in London about two hours ago. She had been surprised, but happy to receive a call from him.

“Ethan darling! How are you?” her familiar voice had eased Ethan’s heart.

“Um, good Aunt Nel. Listen…” He explained the situation and of course she said they could stay. Nel was their father’s younger sister and had practically been a third parent for them growing up. She had moved to London around five years ago when she, much to their family’s dismay, got engaged to a British man she had just met. Unfortunately, it was also around that time that tragedy struck, with a car accident taking their father’s life. Aunt Nel couldn’t handle the loss of her brother and allowed her fiance to whisk her away to his home in London. The marriage barely lasted a year. but Aunt Nel insisted on staying, claiming she had finally found a home in the city. Deep down, Ethan knew that she was just scared of coming back and having to relive the pain of everything. Ethan winced at the thought of his father but forced himself to push it down. Now wasn’t the time for this.

“Well Starbucks was closed so here’s the best cup of crappy airport coffee I could find.” His sister sat down next to him interrupting his thoughts. “You alright? You look pale.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, “just tired.”

Her gaze pierced into him, worry lining her eyes. “You remembered your medication right?”

He sighed, “Yes I remembered”

“You know it isn’t too late to cancel.”

“For the last time, we’re going. I’m not going to sit around and just mope with the little time I have left.”

Now Beth sighed but she remained quiet. They sat in silence until it was time for them to board. The plane ride was what you could expect with a last minute ticket. Ethan’s TV was broken and Beth wouldn’t shut up about the quality of the food. The majority of the ten hour flight was spent with them arguing over the one TV they did have and Ethan’s apparent ignorance for personal space. They might have both been adults but some things never changed.

When the plane finally landed they stood up and stretched, cracking their stiff joints. They grabbed their bags and thanked the captain on the way out before heading into the heart of the London International Airport.

“What now?” Ethan asked.

Beth scoffed, “What do you mean ‘What now?’ this whole thing was your idea!”

Ethan stared at his sister, dumbfounded. “Damn someone’s in a mood.”

Beth glared at him and Ethan resisted cracking a smile. “Okay, okay. First things first, we have to find Aunt Nel. She should be somewhere around waiting for us but, you know her. She is probably running late.” They both laughed turning the corner and like she could sense them summoning her, there was Aunt Nel waiting for them.

“My babies!” she squealed, running over to them. She grabbed both of them and enveloped them into a crushing hug, kissing their faces. “I’ve missed you!”

Beth winced, gasping for air as she said, “Yeah Aunt Nel, we’ve missed you too.”

Aunt Nel finally let go, turning to Ethan, eyes wide with worry.

“Oh, Ethan, how are you? Are you feeling okay? Are you eating okay?” Her eyes started welling with tears and Ethan hugged her again.

“Aunt Nel I’m fine please don’t cry, okay? Seriously, this is a happy trip.”

She quickly wiped her eyes, nodding and trying to smile. “You’re right. You’re right. I’m just happy to see you again.” She sighed and collected herself. “Let’s get your bags and get out of here.”

It seemed to take forever for their luggage to circulate on the round conveyor belt. Getting their passports stamped was even worse. The line took forever and by the time they were done they were too exhausted to think of what to do next.

Beth yawned “Well I say we grab a cab and crash at your place, Aunt Nel?”

“Yes, of course! You two must be exhausted. That okay Ethan?”

He too was yawning and let out a grunt of approval as their aunt led them to the doors. As soon as they opened they were hit by a wave of cold air. Ethan and Beth shivered, pulling their coats tighter around them but Aunt Nel seemed unbothered.

“Alright my dears. Welcome to London!”

Ethan sighed. This was not the cathartic moment he had imagined. In typical London fashion, it was cold and the sky was grey with light rain coming down. The streets were crowded and all Ethan heard were horns honking and people yelling. Regret was starting to sink in. His disappointment must’ve shown through because Aunt Nel quickly took his hand and gave it a light squeeze. “It has its moments,” she said, “but I promise you it can be quite charming. Now follow me, let’s see if we can grab a cab. We can go back to my flat and give you a night to rest, okay?”

Aunt Nel’s flat was small but cozy. She only had two bedrooms and despite his and Beth’s protest, Nel had taken to sleeping on the couch while they were visiting. While grateful to have a bed, Ethan was so exhausted that he would have slept anywhere. This trip had barely started and it had already taken a toll on him. He didn’t want Beth or Nel to worry though, so all he could do was sleep. Hopefully, things would start to get easier.

✴✴✴

Big Ben was not that impressive. First, it’s just a clock, named Ben. Secondly, according to Aunt Nel, they never seem to stop doing construction on it. They could barely see the thing as it was covered in metal poles and plating. Not spectacular.

Beth was also not impressed. She pushed her glasses up on her head, rubbing her eyes. “Well it’s certainly still…something”, she said.

Ethan laughed, “Not quite what it looks like on the pamphlets.”

“No it isn’t,” she checked her watch, “Come on, let’s go find some lunch I’m starving.”

While walking they passed an iconic red telephone booth. Beth stopped, pulling out her phone. “Come on, let’s take a picture!

Ethan rolled his eyes, “Oh no, let’s not, it’s just a telephone booth.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “It’s not just a telephone booth. It’s an iconic London telephone booth! The ones everyone thinks of when they come to London. Plus Aunt Nel demanded plenty of pictures in her absence.” Their aunt, unfortunately, couldn’t take work off on such short notice, leaving them to sightsee alone.

Ethan sighed, “Okay fine, but this is terribly cliche!”

“Well so is picking London as your dream travel destination.” She spoke in a terrible fake accent, “Now quit being cheeky and smile!”

He laughed and smiled, admitting defeat. She was right anyways, he should try to enjoy his time here more. This whole trip was his idea after all and for once Beth was in a good mood.

They found a nice little cafe for lunch. Beth insisted they go for the full English experience and order tea but after one sip she gagged, changing her mind and switching to coffee.

✴✴✴

They went all over the place over the course of two days; Buckingham Palace, to the Tower of London, to Hyde Park to Kensington Gardens. It was exhausting and Ethan could feel the toll of his illness but he refused to let it drag him down. All this moving around distracted his thoughts of life and death and especially his father. He kept trying to push his thoughts on his dad down but he just couldn’t, and being here with Aunt Nel wasn’t helping. He was beginning to question why he even came here if being around his sister and Aunt Nel was just going to remind him of his dad.

 After the second day, Ethan was walking back to Aunt Nel’s flat. Beth and Aunt Nel, who has managed to get a day off, were in tow, deep in some conversation about Beth’s job. Ethan was once again at war with his mind when he was pulled from his thoughts by an argument across the street. Two men were standing on the side of the road next to what Ethan assumed was their car.

 “I told you we were gonna run out of petrol!” one man shouted.

 “Well, it’s not my fault you wanted to continue filling the bloody boot to the brim so I forgot about the damn fuel for the bloody car!” The other retorted back.

Back and forth they went. Eavesdropping, Ethan laughed to himself. They were clearly mad, but their accents and goofy British words made the whole conversation hilarious. Something about English accents makes even angry people seem, well, not that angry. Not at all like the arguments in America. Ethan chuckled at the comparison between American and Brit moods. His thoughts drifted to the last serious argument he had had with someone, paling at the thought when he realized it had been with his father, right before the accident. His breath became shallow as he went over the memory.

The argument had been about Ethan’s job. He had once again been complaining and his father had once again brought up the recurring comment about how Ethan had thrown his life away.

“I’m just saying you can’t be complaining if you refuse to do anything about it!” his father had said.

 “God dad I’m just venting, okay! It’s just a job,” Ethan had snapped back

“It’s not just a job when it makes you unhappy! You’re so young and you’ve already tied yourself down to work! That’s not okay!”

“What the hell dad? Don’t try to tell me what I’m doing wrong in my life!” Ethan had been getting angrier by the minute.

His dad sighed, “I’m not, I’m just saying you shouldn’t get so worked up over something like this. Go out and explore! Live your life while you still have time!”

Back and forth they had gone on like that until his dad had stormed out of the apartment. He and his dad had always had a good relationship so the fight had left Ethan shaken up. And then he got the call only two hours later about the accident and his father’s passing. Ethan had nearly collapsed at the news. The memory made him sick to his stomach all over again.

“Ethan? Ethan honey are you alright!” Aunt Nel’s panicked voice brought him back to the present. “Beth, get over here now!”

Ethan quickly tried to pull himself together, “No, no Aunt Nel I’m fine, I swear. I was just thinking about something.”

“You look like you might throw up, what could you have possibly been thinking about?” Beth said, worry written all over her face.

Ethan was forcing back tears now, “Dad”

A look of knowing passed over her face. “Aunt Nel, let’s take Ethan to go sit somewhere for a minute. I think it would be best if we all collected ourselves.”

Ethan was barely registering her words. “Live your life while you still have time,” his dad had said. Now he was out of time, just like he had been out of time to make up for the fight when his dad died.

They found a place to sit, a bench overlooking Victoria Park Lake, Ethan placed in the middle of Beth and Aunt Nel, each of them holding onto his arms. He had started to cry. “It’s all my fault,” he sobbed.

 “What’s your fault?” Aunt Nel asked, panicked over everything.

“Dad’s death,” he said, “It’s all my fault.” He went on to explain the argument and how his father had stormed out of the apartment and getting the call hours later. Beth’s face was pale now too. She had been in the apartment when it had happened, sitting at the table while her brother and father argued. She too was reliving it now.

“You see,” Ethan finished, “if we hadn’t had that fight, maybe he wouldn’t have been so angry and distracted while driving and the accident wouldn’t have happened. I never go to tell him how sorry I am. All these years the guilt has been weighing down on me and now I’m dying and I can’t do anything to make it up to him!” He started crying again and Beth leaned over towards him, grabbing his shoulders.

“Ethan, it wasn’t your fault. At least not all your fault,” she said.

 He raised his head, confused. “What?”

Beth sighed, “Don’t you remember why you were even fighting? You wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for me. I was the one who brought up the topic of the job. I knew you were unhappy and I casually brought it up, hoping dad could try to talk to you about it. I should’ve known it would start a fight. It was already a touchy subject. Without me, there wouldn’t have been a reason to fight.” Now she was crying, “You’re not the only one who has been carrying guilt.”

Ethan stared at her, taken aback. How could she think it was her fault? Ethan tried to replay that night in his head. “Beth, how could you think that? You’re not the one who got dad upset, I was. You weren’t the one he was upset with. It was my-”

“Oh stop it both of you!” Aunt Nel interrupted. She had been quiet the whole conversation but now she was fiercely staring at both of them.

“It was no one’s fault. It was just a badly timed accident. Ethan, your father was never mad at you and Beth, starting up a conversation doesn’t put you at fault either.

“Aunt Nel,” Ethan said, “how could you even know that. You weren’t there.”

“No I wasn’t, but after your dad left the apartment he called me while he was driving home. He told me everything that happened. He told me how amazing he thought you were and how he wished only you could see it too. He was never disappointed or angry, he just wished you could’ve seen all the potential he saw in you. In fact, he was quite calm while talking to me. He wasn’t distracted or flustered when- when-,” she stuttered, taking a breath to collect herself. “We were still on the phone when the accident happened. I heard the crash and everything. It was awful. I think the trauma of it is what pushed me to run away to London. But you see, neither of you were at fault. He loved you both and always made that clear.”

Ethan stared at the ground in disbelief, and Beth’s hand tightened around his arm. All these years he had truly believed it was his fault. All this shame that had weighed him down was slowly releasing its hold on him at Aunt Nel’s words. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. Beth was quiet too, a hand over her mouth as she stared at the lake. Then Ethan started laughing hysterically. Aunt Nel and Beth both snapped their heads at him like he was crazy.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said, “I think I’m just in shock. You know, I didn’t know why this trip was so important to me when I found out I had cancer but now I think I know. I felt so guilty, thinking it was me that killed dad. He had told me to go live and I never did, the guilt holding me back. And then I found out I was dying and I knew I had to make it up to him before it was too late, like it would fix things. I think I chose London to be closer to him by seeing you, Aunt Nel. Now I find out I’ve been moping around all these years for nothing, and it took dragging you both into this ridiculous trip to find that out.”

He started crying harder, ugly guttural sobs that shook his chest and made him gasp for air. Beth looked at him, not knowing what to do. She’d never been good at dealing with emotions and she hadn’t seen her brother cry since they were kids. She too felt relief but she also felt awful. She hadn’t known he had felt this way and felt awful that they had never sat down to talk about it. This all could’ve been resolved so much sooner.

“Hey,” she said, wrapping Ethan in a hug, “it’s okay. Ethan, I’m so sorry. But look at the positives. Without any of this, we wouldn’t have gotten any closure. All this guilt would’ve suffocated us. I think we both needed this. We needed to see Aunt Nel and figure all this out. So thank you for thinking of this crazy trip. Thank you for dragging me into it.”

“She’s right,” Aunt Nel said. “This trip was long overdue and I’m happy we got to have this.”

Ethan smiled at the both of them, nodding. He then hugged them and they sat in silence, holding onto each other. It was dark now and they all sat watching the moon’s reflection in the lake.

Beth interrupted the silence, “You know what? I’m so happy to be here with the both of you.”

Ethan laughed, “Still I’m sure this is not how you imagined spending time with your dying brother”

“Hey enough. No more talk about dying. Let’s honor dad’s memory and focus on living and going on an adventure,” She stood up, “I don’t know about you but I’m done with all the sad talk. I say we have some fun. How about you guys?”

Ethan smiled, standing after her. “I think that sounds perfect, Aunt Nel”

“You two go have fun, I need to get back. I have work in the morning.” She stood up and gave them both one last hug. “I’m so proud of the two of you and so was your dad. Don’t ever forget that.” And with that, they parted ways.

They found a tiny pub on the corner of the street. They ordered drinks and sat down at a booth, Beth pulling out a cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Ethan said.

“Oh you know,” she smiled, holding it between her teeth, “Sometimes I like to live a little.”

Ethan laughed, resisting the urge to comment on the poor health decision his sister was making because as she said before, tonight wasn’t about dying.

Beth took in a cloud of smoke and exhaled, holding the cigarette between her index and middle fingers. “I know we’re done with this but I was just curious. What made you think of dad and bring all of that up anyway?” she asked

Ethan laughed, suddenly embarrassed while explaining his eavesdropping on the argument in the street and his internal dilemma about accents.

“Are you serious?” Beth was laughing now too. “You’re telling me we wouldn’t have gotten any closure if you hadn’t made an observation about British accents?”

 “I guess so,” Ethan replied.

Beth shook her head in disbelief, “Well damn,” she raised her glass, “cheers to the British and their crazy accents.” They both laughed again, glasses clinking together. Ethan scanned the bar, eyes landing on a tall blonde who was staring right at his sister. “Okay, no more talk about serious things. Don’t look now but I think blondie over there is checking you out”

Beth glanced over in his direction, scoffing. “Oh please,”

“No seriously.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter. This is about spending time together.”

Now Ethan scoffed, “Oh come on! What happened to no sappy stuff? Just go talk to him, I don’t mind. If you don’t go then he might come here and the last thing I want is to be a third wheel watching you two disgustingly flirt with each other.” He faked a gag, earning him a shove from Beth.

“Okay fine, but I’ll be right back”

He watched her get up and walk towards the man, making a terrible show of “accidentally” bumping into him, acting as if she hadn’t even seen him there. As he watched them chat, Ethan couldn’t help but reflect on everything once again. He thought about the burden he had been forcing himself to carry all these years and how ridiculous he had been. It had taken him all these years to find peace with it, in the face of death. He laughed to himself. The universe really had a sick sense of humor. Still, while he still wasn’t completely comfortable with the thought, he could now die without regrets and if this was his last night on earth, he could go happy.

Beth soon returned. “Well that was something.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the man was overwhelmingly British. Had crooked teeth and everything. Kept calling me “love” and talking about some punk band he was in like I was some love sick teenager who could so easily be wooed. Can you believe it?”

“So you got his number?”

“Shut up! I’m not talking about this with my brother” She rolled her eyes, grumbling but then, with the faintest mumbling under her breathe “Yeah okay I got it”

“Ha!” he laughed.

“Enough! God, you’re so annoying!”

Ethan changed the pitch of his voice, mocking hers, “God you’re so annoying!”

“Oh come on! How old are you?”

“How old are you?”

 She smacked him and that’s how they spent the rest of the night, bantering and bickering. Forgetting about everything that had happened and would happen; forgetting the past and the future. They were going to enjoy the present while they still had it.

✴✴✴

2 years later…

Beth put the car in park and leaned over to grab the two bouquets in the front seat beside her, making sure not to damage them. She got out and started walking up the hill, towards the familiar path. She reached her final destination, staring at the two graves before her.

Sean Winters

1961-2016

Beloved Father, Husband, and Friend

Ethan Winters

1993-2021

Forever in our hearts

Brother, Son, Nephew, and Friend

Ethan had died only a few months ago. He had been strong in his battle with cancer, lasting a lot longer than the doctors had thought but unfortunately he hadn’t been able to fight forever. Beth missed her brother terribly but it brought her comfort knowing he was in a better place somewhere. She placed a bouquet on each of the graves before her before sitting down. She had made a habit of coming down every few weeks to talk with her brother and father. She told them about her life, work, the apartment, places she had been invited. It often ended with her sitting on the ground in silence, reflecting, lost in thoughts trying to feel any connection she still had with them. Today she looked at both their names engraved into the stones. Ethan had insisted on being buried next to their father. Beth was happy he had finally found the closure he needed to move on peacefully during their trip. She laughed to herself thinking about it. It still humored her that they would’ve never had been able to move on if Ethan had kept to himself and not listened to the argument between the two Brits in the street.

She sat there for a little while longer, let her thoughts wander, before standing and brushing herself off to leave. Before going she turned to say goodbye.

“Those damn British accents. Who would’ve thought?” she said to herself, chuckling all the way back to the car.