by Lauren Doll | French Education, French, Linguistics | Class of 2024
Academic Term of Essay Subject: Summer Term 2022
“Puis-je avoir une cuillère s’il vous plaît?” I asked the server. He handed me a little wooden spoon. I squealed with delight and proclaimed, “It worked!” to my friend. This was my first day traveling in France, and I had just successfully fixed my first “problem” abroad: we didn’t have two spoons to share our mousse au chocolat. In that moment, I could not believe that my French was understood, real, and working. My entire journey to this moment where I was now–studying abroad in France–had been marked by me telling friends and family that I “barely know anything,” or that “My French is far below fluent.” I was full of feelings of doubt and unworthiness to be in France. Yet, on this day, I had been able to successfully communicate to order a meal, to get in a hotel room, and now to obtain this small spoon.
My lack of confidence and disbelief in my language ability continued throughout my time in France. I was able to have other successful interchanges in stores, restaurants, and in my classes, but these “didn’t count” to me. I thought because I didn’t know what la caisse meant or because I had an accent, it meant I simply couldn’t speak French. On the other hand, I had countless interactions with French people who embarrassingly admitted that they couldn’t speak English. Of course, they all said this and every sentence after it in English. I confidently reassured them each time that they could speak quite well. After all, I could understand them without difficulty.
It wasn’t until I visited Germany that I began to notice this double standard for language ability that I and many others had in these interactions. Even though I was not studying and definitely did not speak German, I continually reassured my friend that we would be fine to explore Germany for the day without having to worry about language differences. As we walked into a bakery full of signs I couldn’t read and sounds I didn’t recognize, I was certain I’d be able to work around the language barrier. I walked up to the counter and confidently asked my most important question (the same one I had just looked up how to say on Google translate): “Sprechen Sie Englisch?” When the woman shook her head no to let us know she did not know English, my confidence evaporated. Unsure of what to do, I looked at my friend. I hadn’t expected this to happen. After a moment of thought, I went to my last resort. In some mix of German, English, and French, I asked the server if she spoke French. I was relieved when she understood my desperate attempt at communicating. She called for a woman in the back who came and asked us what we would like in French. I was able to successfully get the croissant I desired and understand how much it cost. As I walked out of the bakery, I was in disbelief. Another person and I were able to successfully communicate–in complete sentences–in our second language! Yet, the day before this interaction I still would have said that I am not fluent in French to anyone who asked.
I began to wonder about this double standard. It was like imposter syndrome with language. Why is it that unless you have native ability in both languages, it feels like you have to say that you are not fluent or can’t speak that language, but when talking to someone else who is speaking in their second language, you will always reassure them that they can speak well? I began to realize I was holding myself up to ridiculous standards. I may not have reached a native level in French, but if I know enough to survive in France for a summer, who is to say that I can’t speak French?
At first, I was determined to keep that spoon as a trophy to symbolize my language achievements, but I soon realized it wasn’t necessary. I would have the language in my head every day. I have the power to ask for une cuillère a million times in France, and still get a spoon back anywhere because I can speak French. My real trophy from my abroad experience was not that spoon but it was my new confidence in my language ability. Upon returning to the US, I finally was able to triumphantly declare to friends and strangers “I can speak French!”
*2nd prize (2 awarded), Transformative Cultural Experiences at Miami, Abroad, or Away